67 Things to do at Wal*Mart

[proudcanadian]

Hello everyone, I've been kind of quiet on the forums lately, but I found this on Uncylopedia, a massive site that parodies Wikipedia. The following comes from their Wal-Mart article.
Enjoy!
67 things to do at Wal-mart

1.Count how many abnormalities each door greeter has and calculate the average for that store. Compare and average the cumulative totals for the nation.

2.Repeatedly enter and leave the store and count how many "visits" it takes to make the greeter stop greeting you.

3.Walk up to an associate and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code Blue in house wares," and see what happens.

4.Go through checkout with a bag of goldfish, tartar sauce, and a deep fryer.

5.Put M&M's, frozen food, gum, a live lobster or lettuce on layaway.
6.Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

7.Set up a tent in the Camping department; build a campfire using Lincoln Logs from the toy department.

8.Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms after you see a woman or two walking into the women's restroom and see if any men will walk in on them.

9.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

10.In the Sporting Goods section, look for someone looking at golf stuff, go to the end of the aisle, throw a golf ball near the person, and yell "fore" and finally, the last and most important step, run!

11.Get a small firecracker and go to the hunting section when there are large amounts of people. Suddenly scream, set off the firecracker, and drop to the floor. See how long it takes for the other customers to get out from under the table.

12.Keep asking the employees, 'Can you tell me what aisle the 'walls' are on? This is Wall Mart, correct?'

13.Take a cabbage patch doll through self-checkout and ring it up under the produce code for cabbage.

14.Replace products in the frozen foods section with fish bait from the sporting department. Hell, give out some samples and see what happens.

15.See how many people you can fit into a cart.

16.Go to the Toy Department and take up an entire aisle with a full-scale battle of G.I. Joe vs. The X-Men.

17.Find an unused checkout, pick up a phone and press pound (#) 96 to activate the intercom system, and yell out "PENIS" over the store's loudspeaker system as loud as you can to try and scare other customers.

18.Buy a bag of skittles and then start throwing them at people screaming "Taste the Freaking Rainbow!"

19.Start following people asking, "are you my mother?"

20.Stand by the front door lightly bobbing your head and when children or old people walk through sing the most vulgar song you know at the top of your lungs.

21.Dress a stuffed animal up in clothing, and then put it in a baby cart. Take it to the food section and have a deep tearful conversation with it.

22.Hug everyone you see!

23.Challenge other customers to lightsaber duels or swordfights with rolls of wrapping paper.

24.Set all of the alarm clocks to go off at random times during the day.

25.Tell the cashier you are from Immigration Services.

26.Get a bunch of friends and have a race with shopping carts.

27.When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

28.Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

29.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

30.When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

31.Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

32.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

33.Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

34.Yell random names to see if anyone will answer.

35.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

36.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

37.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

38.Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

39.Look at the sign on the front of the store and imagine rotating the star 36 degrees, then fall to your knees in worship.

40.Walk around with at least 2 of your buddies and stalk 15-year-old girls to get their numbers. Trust me this works. Count how many other pedophiles are doing the same thing and keep score. At the end of the day see who wins.

41.Ring the Bell at the Fabrics Section repeatedly to piss off all near by employees and see how long for her (what man would work in the Fabrics section) to kill you.

42.Buy a 12 pack of toilet paper, leave the store and rub mud on every roll. Then return to the store the following day with a trash bag of the browned rolls to customer service with a receipt. Tell the clerk there that you weren't satisfied with the results and that you want your money back, argue your point long enough and you will get a refund, trust me...

43.Follow someone into the bathroom without them noticing, walk into a stall and yell out "WHAT A BIG S**T!” and proceed to piss in that toilet.

44.Go to the aisle with the shavers. Ask an employee that walks by you if they have any shavers that work best on pubic hair.

45.Walk into the store and hop in a senior cart. Drive the cart into the store and follow people through the entire store beeping the horn the whole time. If anyone asks you what you need that cart for tell them you are diabetic.

46.Go to the Toy Aisle and take your pants off and Scream "Come hither young kids, New Toy."

47.If you ever see a guy with his pants off in the toy aisle, tell Wal-Mart security "He's trying to steal two bouncy balls and a Nerf dart."

48.Follow any couple you see holding each others hand, when they are about to kiss, Yell "We got a Code RED!"

49.Take some toilet paper from the shelves and bring them to the hunting aisle, build a fort with them, grab a gun and Start telling the employees that the Zombies are coming.

50.Do everything on this list.

51.Try to have an argument on the intercom with a tickle me Elmo.

52.Grab some carts and go to random parts of the store and put things into it (a lot of small items and a TV to be funnier) until its overflowing and take it to the front and leave it. Tell the nearest employee that you remembered you saw a better deal at K-Mart.

53.During Christmas season, ask a random employee which one of the overweight men (they may say they are women, but who are they kidding) sitting in front of the dressing rooms is Santa.

54.Target (as in target target, not the department store that isn't Wal-Mart) one individual and make eye contact with them so that they notice you. Follow them around staring at them the whole time until they make eye contact, yell at them "JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" as loud as possible and storm away.

55.Hide in the clothing racks until someone walks by, jump out screaming at the top of your lungs to scare the s**t out of them. Run away to a different clothing department and repeat process.

56.Go to the hunting department and ask the clerk what the best gun would be to kill your wife.

57.Go to the aisle where the air fresheners are located, peel off a few scratch 'n' sniff stickers and go to the women's department and adhere the stickers to some panties. (Optional: Wait around casually to see if anyone does sniff them)

58.Take a slingshot, a bag of pebbles and a ladder into the store to kill the birds living in the ceiling.

59.Go through checkout with a toilet seat, two plungers, pepto bismal, four cans of Oust and a box of laxatives.

60.Dress up in a monster outfit, wait between two cars in the parking lot and jump up and scream at the guy who puts flyers on windshields as he walks past.

61.Go to the athletics area, and ride at least 4 different bikes around the store. Upon returning the last bike (I'm sure all of Wal-mart staff is around you by now) ask one of the employees if they finance bikes over $100 and show him/her your proof of insurance.

62.Ask an employee where you can find Gringott's bank in a hushed tone.

63.Park your car in the automotive garage and walk into the store. Buy a few things like you normally would and leave before they call a tow-truck.

64.Place a VIP entrance sign over the shopping cart storage area on the outside of the store.

65.Run to the door greeter and frantically say your kid is trapped in the toy crane machine, when they crawl away for help run out of the store.

66.Ask an employee if the hiring terminal has LimeWire on it.

67.Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

[wsherrick]

Sounds like a good way to get locked up.

[KevinL]

My favorite thing to do is to not shop there, and tell all my friends not to shop there. We dont want their Chinese products here.